When You Accept Yourself, Everything Else Falls Into Place

“You’re doing better than you think. Stop being so hard on yourself,” I told my friend as he sat across from me, tears streaming down his face. His voice cracked as he repeated the words: “I failed her. I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough.” I didn’t know what else to say to him. Here was someone who had never truly accepted himself, no matter how much he accomplished.

My friend had built a multimillion-dollar business from nothing, rising out of poverty. He cared for his aging parents, sent two siblings to college, and even helped them get married — all before he turned forty. Yet, despite these incredible achievements, his response was always the same whenever I praised him: “Not good enough. Not yet.”

I know this mindset well, having grown up in an entrepreneurial family where my performance was constantly measured through comparisons.“Look at so-and-so’s son and how well he’s doing,” my father would say. That sense of comparisons and expectations was relentless. The thought of meeting these standards blinded me to the 90% of things I was doing right. Instead, I became fixated on the never-ending 10% I hadn’t achieved to prove myself, and if not, I would become bitter toward myself and those I was trying to match in performance. I would develop an inflated self-confidence that I would crush all aspects of business or have zero to no confidence in certain business activities.

When I didn’t feel competitive enough, I lost opportunities and friendships when there was a better approach for collaboration and a win-win. I often didn’t know why I was competing; I just wanted to prove to my father that I was better than the other guy, and he was wrong. Initially, things might feel like you are improving and moving forward. Still, the amount of poison and negative energy you inject into yourself is much more damaging than the instant pleasure of the wins. At last, my father realized he was doing more damage than good when, during a fight, I told him, “How about you adopt one of those guys as your son, and I will find myself a better father?” It was a shock to him but a natural response from my side, being drained and always trying to follow his ideal image of the perfect son.

I have realized that one of our biggest mistakes when we don’t value ourselves is that we tie our self-worth to specific goals, metrics, or others’ constant demands and expectations. When we do that, falling short makes us feel worthless. We see ourselves as either winners or losers, with no middle ground. I had been there for a long time, and it took me countless reflections to understand that It’s tough to break free from this negative cycle unless I completely realize that my circumstances shaped my life. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and can control only so much.

My friend’s heartbreak wasn’t just about the end of his relationship; it was the overwhelming pressure he had placed on himself to be perfect in every part of his life. His girlfriend left because he was sometimes too focused on his business, not always free or mentally ready for her constant desire to hang out at social events with her friends. While he blamed himself, I knew he had always done his best given the circumstances. “What more could you expect from yourself?” I asked him. “How else could you have acted within your conditions? Come on, man, at least give yourself credit for doing your best.”

His situation reminded me of my own struggles with self-acceptance. It took me a great deal of time to realize that self-acceptance doesn’t mean we must agree with everything we’ve done or be happy with every outcome. It simply means recognizing our efforts and staying true to ourselves. His girlfriend compared him to her friend’s boyfriends, men who might have far fewer responsibilities. Was that fair? Maybe not. He might not have been the perfect boyfriend, but he was doing his best with what life threw at him.

Through tears running down his face, he told me that night, “I’m so tired. I don’t know what I did wrong. I gave everything I had. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Every day, I wake up trying to meet everyone’s expectations, and by the end of the day, I break into bed, exhausted. Yet, no matter what I do or how much I ‘fix’ myself, I still feel like I’m not good enough unless I meet their standards.”

“That’s because you’re expecting happiness through changing your core to satisfy others,” I told him. “And no one can keep going with that for too long.”

That conversation taught me a lesson I will never forget: the constant “go, go, go” mentality—the relentless craving to make everyone happy—comes at the cost of living in the present. We’re always chasing an idealized future of ourselves that never brings real happiness. We are constantly walking toward a mirage, only to find emptiness when we arrive, with a sign telling us to continue until we’re drained and broken by exhaustion.

In the past, I’ve also confused personal growth with self-acceptance, which has driven me to exhaustion in the name of “endless progress.” It’s natural to want more and to grow, but real change only happens when we acknowledge who we are despite the expectations of others or an ideal image of ourselves. Change can’t come from denying ourselves—denial leads to self-destruction. It traps us in a cycle of dwelling on past mistakes and constantly questioning our worth whenever we fall short of someone else’s standards.

At that conversation, I wished my friend could accept himself; I wish he didn’t blame himself for his past, and I wish he could live in the present and trust that despite his painful experiences, he could still grow and evolve in future relationships. Yes, his girlfriend might be wonderful, and he might be short on delivering sometimes, but maybe she wasn’t the right person for him at that point, which he realizes today.

Gladly, now he has changed his approach. Instead of trying to change himself entirely for someone, he is very open and transparent about his circumstances when he goes out on a date. It’s much happier to be honest and true to ourselves and find those who match and accept our circumstances than to change our cores to attract or maintain someone who is unwilling to see the committed part in us.

Self-acceptance is difficult for many because it takes tremendous courage to be brutally honest with ourselves. It requires us to look at who we are without denial or avoidance. When we see the parts of ourselves that don’t measure up to someone else’s standards, we must also recognize the good in us — the beautiful qualities and positive force that contribute to the lives of others. That’s not easy when everyone holds you to expectations that make you feel unworthy the moment you fall short.

We all need to understand that individually we are whole beings, and collectively we paint the whole picture. You are not just a collection of good and bad parts — you are a complete person. You have strengths in certain areas, and the people you choose in life should complement you just as you complement them.

When you accept yourself and allow yourself to grow into your best form, you’ll realize that you only need to meet your natural and basic expectations, not anyone else’s. That’s when you begin to live authentically and give others the space to grow into their best selves within their abilities and circumstances.

That night, I told my friend, “You don’t need all the answers right now, and that’s okay. Just understand that this is who you are, and this is your situation. Be at peace with that and move forward from there. The end of your relationship doesn’t mean you’re unlovable or incapable of giving love.” I wasn’t asking him to ignore the pain or pretend nothing happened, but to acknowledge it without letting it define him. I encouraged him to see himself not as someone who failed but as someone who tried, learned, and is still standing despite it all, and today, he is finding more joy in his dating life.

One important lesson I’ve learned from painful experiences is to avoid comparing myself to others or being compared to anyone at any cost. I understand that life can be competitive, but comparison is not the right approach to growth. It’s the enemy of self-acceptance, breeding feelings of inadequacy. When we compare ourselves, we might create slightly better versions than others, but it comes at the expense of our authenticity. It traps us in a cycle of feeling worthless, never enough, and incapable. When we learn to see our authentic beauty, we also begin to see it in others without neglecting our self-worth. Others can inspire us, but we don’t need to become a copy of someone else in the name of improvement or to meet the demands of others.

Life teaches us that nature thrives in diversity. Each of its creations grows according to its strengths and circumstances. Denying the best in ourselves is denying the gifts life has given us. An oak tree doesn’t strive to become a smaller banana tree or a much larger mountain. It grows into its most natural and beautiful form, providing shade and strength for those who need it. That’s the essence of self-acceptance: it’s to become the best version of yourself, free from comparison. When you truly embrace that, everything else follows naturally. Cheers!